1 day to go...

Well, it's finally here! We made it. Wew.

So the last three days I've been in Montreal with Rob relaxing, having birthday celebrations with family and enjoying not being at work (haha) before my trip. Admittedly, there has been no gym, albeit lots of walking everywhere around the city and occasional home arm/ab workouts. 

We've had lots of amazing vacation/summer food to eat, including:

- chicken sandwich with salad for lunch outside in Old Montreal

- homemade bolognese for linguine

- smoked salmon sandwich with soup and salad

- homemade pizza with salad with red velvet mini birthday cake

- fried chicken (with Rob's lab)

- lots of apples and bananas for breakfast with tea and coffee

and...drumroll...

My amazing dinner at Garde Manger with Rob, as a celebration of my birthday, his exams being done and our vacation. 

At Garde Manger, they bring you amazing chewy fresh bread with smoked paprika and tomato cream cheese. I read reviews saying "this stuff is so good they should charge for it" and they're right, they should.

The classic Garde Manger caesar with absolutely amazing crab legs. This thing was like $16 but totally worth it. So so so good.

We figured we'd get a taste of what Garde Manger is all about and get the seafood platter for two. We had Matane shrimp, smoked salmon with creme fraiche and cucumber, massive scallops (which I'd never had raw before!) and succulent oysters from New Brunswick. Those shrimp - OMG. 

And of course, you can't come to Garde Manger and not have the famous lobster poutine. Totally amazing. 

We were hoping to see Chuck Hughes at GM, but unfortunately he didn't stop by. The waitress told us that he's spending more of his time at Le Bremner these days, so we high-tailed it over there to have a drink. He wasn't there, but lucky for us, Danny Smiles from Top Chef Canada was still around!! We got to meet him, have drinks with him, chat for a bit, and he was gracious to let us take a picture with him! What a super fun, laid-back guy. 

So, here's where it ends. We leave for the airport in a few hours, so it's packing time around here. I'll be sure to make another entry once I get back from the trip to give an overall impression of how I felt there, but for now, I will say this: I didn't achieve what I set out to achieve. I didn't lose much weight. I didn't become bikini-ready. I did tone up a bit and I am much stronger now, but this strength didn't come with an aesthetic accompaniment. This is disappointing, and I've definitely identified some challenges in eating in a "diet" manner, with changing your lifestyle, in striving to be super in shape and go to the gym at every chance. I commend myself on the effort and overall, aside from a few stretches here and there, I was consistent. Maybe it's like Sarah said...if I go to the gym and eat properly and take care of myself and this is the body I have, then so be it. 

7/6/5/4/3/2 days to go...

WOW giant fail this week in keeping up with everything. I'll do my best to summarize.

Breakfasts have been all smoothies all week. I'm officially addicted I think. No breakfast today.

Lunches (all except Friday and today) were salad with either tuna, salmon, or chickpea patty with cucumbers and home-made croutons. Friday I had leftovers of Thursday night's Vietnamese noodles. Today I had sushi lunch with my brother. I was SOO full from all the beer and poutine that I barely ate anything.

Dinners:
Monday - chickpea patty burger
Tuesday - same
Wednesday -  last of the pork tenderloin fillet with huge plate of greens
Thursday - few slices of pizza from a meeting at work and half an order of Vietnamese noodles
Friday - beer (haha), half a small order of boneless chicken wings and poutine (yeah, we celebrated my birthday. We also had cheesecake that my coworkers had brought in for me! Yay!

Exercise:
- Monday and Tuesday - gym after work, both really hard workouts
- Wednesday and Thursday - none, busy running errands for the trip
- Friday - none, out with friends
- Saturday - none officially, but I was out walking around and I cleaned the whole apartment from top to bottom. That almost counts, because my back is killing me.

So for those of you who know when I leave, you'll notice that I fail at counting. We are leaving Wednesday, not Monday as the countdown would indicate. Whoops!

8 days to go...

Today was a really chill day. Really chill. I slept until 12:30am and lazed around until I went for a walk to run an errand and do a restorative yoga class. I ran another errand to the drug store later and that's it. Pretty mellow.

Brunch: an omelette with salsa and a piece of soda bread.

Dinner: a piece of pork loin, a LOT of greens and some whole wheat pasta with pesto. Dessert was a small date square that my grandpa made and I had frozen, and testing a failed batch of red velvet cupcakes for the co-workers.

Workout: hmm not a physical workout but a calming restorative yoga class. I have been a total and utter mess lately (my poor boyfriend...I feel so bad for him) so I needed the grounding, cooling and calming class. It definitely helped.

Snack tonight was a small bowl of ancient grains cereal.

Yep, nothing major today. This week I'm going easy on the food and hard on the workouts I hope. I'm anxious to get into that bathing suit!! This time next week I'll be in my man's arms and all ready for our first vacation together!

11/10/9 days to go...

We are into SINGLE DIGITS PEOPLE!!

Breakfast:
- smoothies Thursday and Friday, and this morning no breakfast (slept in!)

Lunches:
- Thursday: salad with a quinoa cake and mushrooms in it, with carrots for snack, and greek yogurt with fruit, chia, kamut and honey
- Friday: sushi lunch! we ordered from this amazing place downtown, and I also had yogurt and veggies as per usual
- Today a bunch of us from work went for all you can eat sushi. Heaven. Absolute heaven.

Dinners:
- Thursday: Subway (12" turkey on brown with veggies)
- Friday: frozen pizza (fail)
- Today: pork chop with greens

Snacks and Activities:
- Friday: beers and nacho fries with my brother
- Today: movie night so lots of chips and candy (another fail)

Workouts:
- Thursday and Friday: none
- Today: intense gym session! 40 minutes of cardio plus abs with weights and arms


I am feeling the effects of the stress of monitoring all of my food intake now. It makes me grouchy and vulnerable, and I think about everything I eat. I can't enjoy something fully because I'm worried about what it will do to my bikini bod. That's not right. I can't wait to be done this, for one because I'll be on vacation haha but also I'll be free of monitoring everything with a very specific and glamourous end goal in mind. I know I'll still stay healthy but I won't be worried about the effect of every candy and pizza slice.

In a related note, my poutine craving is stronger than ever...

14/13/12 days to go...

Breakfasts:
- Monday: smoothie
- Tuesday: smoothie
- Today: peanut butter toast. I have been craving peanut butter for a while now and it seems I'd been doing smoothies a lot. Time for a change!

Lunches:
- Monday, Tuesday and today: mixed green salad, leftover croutons and grape tomatoes, with olive oil and balsamic vinegar, ginger carrot soup and greek yogurt with chia seeds, kamut flakes and honey (today I added raspberries - SO good)

Dinners:
- Monday: I was coming down with a migraine so I made a quick whole wheat pasta with pesto and slept most of the evening
- Tuesday: leftover lasagna with soda bread
- Today: leftover lasagna, and a snack of candies and soup (yep, movie food)

Workouts:
- Monday: gym until the headache started getting bad. I didn't do much, just 15 minutes of cardio but I was still feeling my advanced yoga class from Sunday so it almost felt like I worked out haha
- Tuesday: 75 minute hot yoga
- Today: gym (30 minutes cardio + legs + arms + abs)

Overall I feel super excited and so-so with the eating. I feel like I've been thinking about nothing but food and the gym for weeks, and I can't believe this but all I want is a poutine right now. Or a greasy slice of pepperoni cheese pizza, or baked ravioli, or garlic bread or all of the above! My poutine craving is by far the strongest of them all, so maybe next week when my lab and I celebrate my birthday I'll give in and go have a small at Smokes! Until then, 12 DAYS!!!!

17/16/15 days to go...

I just freaked out a little that I just wrote FIFTEEN. Wow.

The last few days in a nutshell:

Breakfasts:
- Friday: smoothie
- Saturday: had the girls visiting from Toronto, so bagels with cream cheese and mixed fruit, with tea
- Today: smoothie

Lunches:
- Friday: leftover flatbread pizza from my Farm Boy date with Leslie, with some greek yogurt and carrots, also half a pint of cider after work to celebrate a prof's tenure (woo!)
- Saturday: mid-afternoon lasagna and bread leftovers from Friday dinner
- Today: Subway (6" roast chicken on whole wheat with baked chips and chocolate milk, amazing post work-out)

Dinner:
- Friday: homemade vegetable low-fat lasagna, mixed green salad and fresh bread (with the girls!). We had wine and a few two-bite brownies for dessert, as well as some of our host's apple crisp later that night at a wine and cheese
- Yesterday: leftover lasagna and bread
- Today: guess what...more lasagna

Workouts:
- Friday and Saturday: none, busy with the girls (although, we shopped and walked around quite a bit...does that count?)
- Today: 75 minutes advanced yoga. totally kicked my ass, but totally amazing.

We're onto the last few weeks now so doubling my efforts to cut the carbs and up the cardio. I made homemade ginger carrot soup (Jamie Oliver's recipe, can't go wrong) for this week. Here is the recipe:

http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/member-recipes/Ginger%20Carrot%20Soup/3124

Also, I'm getting stupidly excited as the girls got me an early birthday gift of a gorgeous white H&M beach bag and flowy flower dress! Thanks ladies!!! On our shopping trip I picked up some tops from RW&Co (my absolute favourite store of all time), as well as a cute turquoise and white bikini from Old Navy of all places. All I need are flip flops, a hat and some last minute item gathering and I'll be ready!!

Maldives, here I come!!

21/20/19/18 days to go...

Wow it has been a busy busy week! I haven't forgotten about the blog though! This week here is my summary:

Breakfasts
- smoothies!! I'm in love. Any combination of banana, fruit juice, almond milk, flaxseed oil, ground flaxseed, protein powder, strawberries and blackberries = amazing

Lunches
- spinach salad with cucumbers and quinoa
- greek yogurt with kamut flakes, chia seeds, cocoa powder
- carrots for snack and an apple or some other fruit in the afternoon
- Wednesday was the exception, where I had a bagel with cream cheese (the light stuff!) at 11am and no lunch.

Dinners
- Monday: Subway (footlong turkey on whole wheat, no chips, no pop) on my way home from an excellent sweaty workout (40 minutes cardio + abs + arms)
- Tuesday: quinoa spinach chick pea burgers, with no bun and a little mustard
- Wednesday: same, before a 60 minute hot flow class
- Today: dinner with Leslie was samosa and flatbread pizza from Farm Boy (IN LOVE), with cinnamon buns and chips (yep, major cheat day but delicious)

I've noticed that I have let three rules fall by the wayside over the last month:
1. No eating 2 hours before bed. Yeah, I eat when I'm hungry, and smaller meals spaced longer apart mean that I get hungry. I never eat a meal before bed, but a snack for sure.
2. No snacking. Again, this is difficult because of the small meals. I just get hungry!
3. Morning and evening crunches and pushups have all but disappeared. I feel bad about the abs, but my arms have been getting stronger through more focused workouts. I see definition in my abs for sure, but I'm uncertain of the effect of doing 100 extra crunches a day. I've found in the past that I get really awesome definition in the upper portion of my abs, but I still have a really tough time eliminating that last layer of extra right below my belly button. Plus I'm tired in the morning and at night so the motivation for this is dwindling.

Related to this, I have noticed that this bootcamp has become more of a lifestyle change than a diet or bootcamp, which likely contributes to my abandoning on the more hardcore rules. Having strict rules like that leave very little wiggle room and it makes for a regimented, rigid lifestyle. It's practically a measure of how badly you should feel about yourself that day depending on how many you break. Don't get me wrong, with the flight fast approaching, I'm going to try really hard to get back into working out more often and more consistently, just one last push! I have no more visits with Rob before we go, so I will have weekend time to get myself to the gym and yoga, and way fewer excuses for eating poorly.

In related news, I AM GETTING SO EXCITED!! We have a very long layover in London on our way there, so we'll be trying to get some sightseeing done while we're there. Very long flights, but very much worth it. It's starting to get difficult to focus on real life!

22 days to go...

Time for a real post today.

I feel really horrible. The last many, many posts have been me pretty much recapping how horrible my food choices have been. At least that's how it feels. I have been staying healthy enough given how I know I could let myself go, but the fact that I haven't noticeably lost any weight or sculpted or that I don't feel I look any different has really been bugging me lately. The whole point of this was to buckle down and really LOOK completely different for my trip, yet I don't feel that I've done that at all. I certainly feel different, as evidenced by stronger legs, slightly toned abs (although I can tell, most cameras probably won't), and maybe less arm flab. But I certainly haven't felt bikini ready or extra confident.

There are two voices fighting in my head right now:
1. The mean voice. Here's how she sounds: "No wonder you don't feel any different - you haven't followed your rules and you have been slacking on the gym! What a failure, you haven't stuck to what you said, no wonder you won't look any different! If your really want to buckle down you'll get serious and cut out everything fatty, salty, and sweet."
2. The compassionate voice. Here's how she sounds: "You've been doing alright. Ok not great, but alright. You can't sustain a diet like this long term, and two months is a long time especially with your boyfriend visiting, you being out of town so much, events with school, etc. It's ok to cheat sometimes, and you're a healthy person! You'll have to find a balance and you're on your way to learning what that is."

Sigh. Is it just me, or does following the compassionate voice sometimes feel like you're making excuses for yourself. Someone once told me that even though you have anxiety over issues, the first step to feeling better is to stop berating yourself about feeling bad about it in the first place. Easier said than done. I think most women really have a hard time with this step - we, for whatever reason, have been forced for a long time to believe that we have to work harder, try harder, look better, always "___ER". We aren't even good enough. This bothers me. My compassionate yogi side is just screaming for me to stop this self-destructive thought pattern, but doing this is like using a machete to hack myself a new path through thick thorn bushes when there is a well-maintained, well-used paved path winding beautifully through the thorns only a few meters away. It's all about thought patterns and how easily stuck we are in one over another. The instant we try to feel compassion for ourselves, we remember the well-worn road of berating ourselves over even trying to forage a new path for ourselves. It's a tough world out there! Definitely tough to be gentle and forgiving with yourself, especially when there are so many women who "tough it out" and "power through it" and are somehow able to stick to crazy diets.

Aaanyways, rant aside, here is the summary of my day (warning: another bad one!):

Breakfast/lunch: Rob and I are both sick, so we started with lemon ginger honey green tea. Then we went out for brunch with some girlfriends visiting for the weekend and had eggs southwestern, aka. eggs benedict but with smoked salmon. Served with home fries.
In the afternoon we finished off some of the candy from bulk barn that my friend and I got yesterday. Awful. No gym.
Dinner was a frozen pizza again (the one we got yesterday came in packs of 2). Dessert was some greek yogurt with fruit, and more tea (the redeeming factor of the day).

26/25/24/23 days to go...

I've been slacking, once again!! I don't know if I can remember everything that I had this week, since it's been so long but mostly I know I had a very good week. Our formal was this weekend and the dress I borrowed was very small and tight. In other words, I ate salad all week.

I had a smoothie every day for breakfast, with blueberries and almond milk. Blueberries and almonds were meant for each other. Amazing!

Lunches were spinach salads with either salmon or tuna with rice. I also had greek yogurt with chia seeds, kamut flakes and granola. I had either carrot sticks, an apple or both as afternoon/pre-gym snack.

Dinner on Wednesday and Thursday was the stuffed chicken I made earlier in the week, and I made a skinny mug brownie that I split in half and had a bit of on both nights.

Wednesday I busted ASS at the gym. I did 30 minutes of hard biking, 5 minutes of hard stairs, followed by a half hour of nonstop abs and arms. I felt amazing!! Thursday no gym because I had to clean and get ready for the weekend.

Yesterday was our formal so for breakfast and lunch was the same as the last few days (I even turned down pizza for lunch! go me!), and then we had dinner! We had munchies and drinks before. Dinner was spinach salad, steak and veggies, with cheesecake for dessert. We danced our asses off so no gym but I certainly had my workout for the day. Overall it was a blast and I'm so happy that my man was here to share it with me. Here we are in the market square on our way to dinner:

Today was rough. I had a migraine Thursday afternoon and yesterday (yes, during formal). So today we slept in and I had a smoothie when I got up to get the vitamins going. Lunch was a butt-load of candy and junk, with one of my girlfriends here for an event we went to tonight. We made a frozen pizza for dinner. Bad day on the eating front but at least I got my smoothie in.

29/28/27 days to go...

We're in the 20s!!! AHHH!! It's April 2 now and in one month we will be on a flight to Colombo. I cannot believe how quickly the time has passed!

Sunday was our last day at home with my family. Happy Easter!! We celebrated with brunch of ham, prosciutto, old cheddar cheese, and other munchies. We of course had a bit of chocolate, but my mom gifted me with coffee and a Subway gift card instead, with only a handful of chocolate as a treat since she knows I'm trying to be good. We got on the road and got to Kingston around dinner time. Rob and I went to one of my favourite small places in Kingston. We split the artichoke spinach dip and I had a beef wrap with fries (I only ate half and didn't finish my fries). The fries there are too good to pass up, plus I figured that a little extra on Easter couldn't hurt. No gym.

Yesterday morning Rob was still here and since it's time for formal this Friday (aka. I am wearing my XS friend's form-fitting dress so I have to be on my best behaviour this week!), I introduced him to his first girlfriend-made smoothie. Since I didn't have bananas on hand, I used frozen mango and raspberry, yogurt, almond milk, protein powder and flaxseed oil. He thought it was good but I think he was expecting some honey or something to sweeten it up. I went to work in the morning and had to go drive him to his bus just after lunch so he picked me up and we went to East Side Mario's (close to the bus station). I had salad and soup, with garlic bread. Even though I had bread and caesar salad, I figured it was a better alternative to pizza, pasta or something with basically just all bread. I felt light and not too full, so I think it was perfect.

For dinner last night my friend Kim surprised me on her way home from Easter break (we don't get Mondays off but apparently most of the rest of the country does...grr), and we headed out for some quick food. Her favourite place was closed so we went to another place she likes, Atomica, which serves amazing pizza. We both had the simplest option, marguerita, with water. Again, considering the plethora of toppings available on their pizzas, we did pretty well. I got home and immediately headed to the gym for a much-needed workout: 30 minutes bike + 10 minutes stairmaster (on Glute Sculptor setting haha) + arms + abs. What a workout!! When I got home I was obviously hungry so I ate my beef wrap leftovers.

Today was another smoothie for breakfast. Lunch was spinach salad with wild rice and half a can of salmon. I got some greek yogurt yesterday so I had a few tablespoons of that with kamut flakes, chia seeds and a little chocolate protein granola. I had carrot sticks in the afternoon. For dinner I had to make it quick since I had lab work to do so I used the gift card my mom got me and zipped up to Subway for a quick bite. I had a 6" turkey on whole wheat, with lettuce, tomato, pickle, just a tad of light mayo, mustard, salt and pepper, with baked "chips" (garlic parmesan bread rounds basically) and a little Coke Zero (basically loads of ice and then filled halfway, ice included, with pop). No gym.

Tonight I did a bit of cooking, since I will have a busy week and I don't want to spend my entire evenings running to Subway. I have carrots and rice, so I can make those, and I decided to get my stuffed chicken breast on. I made a filling of greek yogurt, spinach, garlic, hot sauce, egg, oats and a little rice, added it to some chicken breast cavities lined with pesto and baked it. Dinner for the next two days, awesome! I also had some buttermilk I wanted to get rid of, and my baking itch needed to be scratched, so I made Irish soda bread (yes, bread on a bikini challenge. I'll probably nibble at it a bit and freeze the rest to be honest). Basically it contains flour, flax seeds, sesame seeds, salt, sugar, baking soda, buttermilk and a bit of oil.

Looks pretty good doesn't it? 

31/30 days to go...

Yesterday was a day of travel. Rob and I left from Montreal in the morning and drove to my hometown for Easter. For breakfast I had a simple smoothie with what I could find in Rob's kitchen (yogurt, milk and banana - I brought my blender with me!). For lunch I made us some sandwiches for the road, so I had a few bites of his since I didn't feel like a full one, and some Crispy Minis (crunchy dill = so good). We had some coffee along the way too.
We arrived at my parents' place in the afternoon, and I had some coffee. We constantly snack at my house, since food is everywhere haha, so I had some crackers and cheese as an appetizer to dinner. I also worked out (go me!) on my mom's stationary bike for half an hour on a hard setting. Sweat my ass off! My mom also complemented me on my butt and my figure, which was nice to hear.
For dinner we had salmon with this bread crumb/crab stuffing and lobster ravioli (both from Costco), with basmati rice and steamed broccoli. For dessert I had a butter tart. Mmmm!

Today, I tried to be good. I made myself a breakfast smoothie. Lunch was vegetable soup and some perogies with mustard. We stopped at my hometown ice cream parlour so Rob could taste the yummy ice cream I grew up on. Coffee in the afternoon. Dinner was ribs with rice and salad, with custard layered cake for dessert. We went shopping in the afternoon and I got my first items for the Maldives! I got a pretty maxi dress, with some aviator sunglasses since I have no clue where mine are. I seem to blow through a pair of $10 aves every summer. Same with flip flops. Definitely.
I'm being lazy by not working out today. I'm so full of food that it would suck to work out right now, and I want to hang out with my parents in my sweatpants, so guilty as charged!

Tomorrow we'll have Easter chocolate of course, and we'll be heading back to my place at home for dinner.

I'm so happy to be home. This is awesome :)

34/33/32 days to go...

I can't believe how close to the trip we are! In one month Monday we'll be taking flight! Exciting!!

Tuesday was a smoothie for breakfast, time time I skipped the banana and tried to make it just with frozen raspberries, mango, yogurt, flaxseed oil, orange juice and protein powder. Unfortunately, and contrary to what I'd thought, the lack of banana made this smoothie really thick. Not so good.

Tuesday we went out for a labmate's last day for lunch at the local grad student pub. I had a chicken caesar wrap with tortilla chips (not bad since the burgers come with fries). Also this was a pretty weak chicken caesar wrap. It was watery caesar dressing with lettuce and bits of chicken.

Dinner was salmon with bok choy. Yum! I stopped in at the grocery store after the gym to pick up some of my boyfriend's favourite salsa and picked up some organic tortilla chips. I made some makeshift nachos while I watched Glee. I also had a great gym day on Tuesday, with a nice sweaty cardio and some amazing arm and ab work. Go me!

Yesterday, I made a smoothie, this time with banana. Lunch was a huge fail yesterday. I had packed my usual salad/yogurt but was starving mid-way through the morning so I grabbed a whole-wheat bagel from downstairs. This means that instead of actual lunch I had an apple around 2pm because I was full. Dinner yesterday was pizza for a meeting I had to stay late for. Altogether I didn't have time for the gym today, so there goes that.

Today, breakfast was eggs with toast (a rare treat). I had no appetite after this massive breakfast so I had a few tortilla chips, an apple and a piece of a friend's birthday cake. I had a bagel and a banana on the road since I was supposed to have dinner with Rob. However, he ran late to go out with his brother, so I picked up some cheese curds (another treat) and a small spinach pizza, which I ate half of. Again, no gym today and definitely a bad eating day. It's the week before "shark week" so I'm bloated and after all this food I feel terrible.

It's too bad that I'm going on vacation to my parents' house this weekend and am expecting to eat like garbage so next week will be serious bootcamp for that dress. Mostly I'm doing alright and I'm conscious of everything I eat, but absolutely lack of time and lack of discipline under stress is leading to poor choices.

Tomorrow is a new day though!

36/35 days to go...

Yesterday was my last day in Montreal with Rob before another week. We slept in a bit and went out for sushi lunch! I swear to you, I could eat sushi for every meal and probably take a really really long time to get sick of it. We go to a place about 15 minutes away by bus that has all-you-can-eat, and it's pretty good. We always get salmon nigiri, red tuna roll, salmon hand roll (my favourite!), edamame, miso soup, a few different makis, and green tea ice cream. I'm in love. Seriously.

I had to take the bus home around dinner time, so Rob packed me a granola bar and an apple and I grabbed a 6" turkey sub from Subway on the way to the station. I ate those in the bus. No gym today! Normally if we were here we could get away with spending an hour and a bit total between getting a solid workout in and getting to and from the gym itself. In Montreal, it's half an hour travel each way, plus the hour at the gym. Rob isn't one to rush either, so it's a solid 3 hour process to go to the gym. We didn't have time for that yesterday, but we got some exercise in anyway :)

Today was my first day back to the bootcamp. I haven't been keeping up properly, although I have been conscious and have been watching not to eat anything completely over the top. I think this is the stage I'd be at in a normal situation where the bootcamp becomes a lifestyle ie. you watch what you eat, make the effort to get exercise and lots of vegetables in every day, but you still indulge every so often.

Breakfast was steel-cut oats with warm milk, a teaspoon of peanut butter and a sprinkle of cocoa powder, with green tea.
Lunch was a spinach salad with scrambled eggs for protein, yogurt with raspberries, kamut, chia and kasha, with an apple for afternoon snack.
Dinner took a while to cook (baked salmon with pesto yogurt sauce), wild rice blend and sauteed bok choy so in the meantime I made a half dozen of those tiny PC chicken meatballs with mustard, with a small piece of cheese. Dessert was a date square that my grandpa made me and that I have in the freezer. I have a terrible sweet tooth following meals, I tell you.

Today's exercise was a really sweaty awesome hot yoga class, and I completed the day with a small bowl of all-bran with milk for fibre. Woohoo! Feels good to be back in the game! My short-term goal is formal next Friday, so I have a few weeks to get into shape to fit into that slim plum dress and knock my boyfriend's socks off. Go me!

39/38/37 days to go...

I'm back from my trip to Ithaca! Let me try to remember all the things I ate:

Thursday:
- Breakfast was a smoothie with banana, greek yogurt, strawberry, orange juice and chocolate protein powder. They were serving bagels with the morning seminars so I had one, poppyseed with cream cheese
- Lunch was served in a box, one for each person, and contained: a turkey and brie sub, a ginger molasses cookie the size of my face, an apple, some pretzels, and water. All this stuff on top of breakfast was a lot so it lasted me until dinner.
- For dinner we went to a place called Agava and I had pork carnitas tacos with some quinoa fritters and a mojito with Holly for dinner. So good!!

No gym since I forgot my stuff this weekend. :(

Yesterday:
- Breakfast was the same smoothie and a bagel again
- We had beam time from 10-4pm so we grabbed some stuff at the grocery store to take with us. Lunch was a seafood salad sandwich (again, everything in the states in massive) with some crackers.
- Dinner on the drive home was a 6" sub from subway, with a small Dr. Pepper and some chips.

Again, no gym.

I decided to make a last minute trip to Montreal to see Rob, so when I got there I was starving and had an apple and a slice of pizza he had saved me.

Today (worst slob day ever):
- "Brunch" (aka. I got up at like noon and slept again until 3pm) was some pizza and a kitkat bar that Rob had.
- We went to the gym and I had a hardcore cardio with arms and abs. It felt soo amazing to get back into the swing of things after being a huge gym slacker for the better part of last week. I'm determined to look amazing in my dress for formal two weeks from yesterday, so here we go!
- For dinner, he made us wild/brown rice, loads of veggies and chicken breast in tomato sauce. Vegetables were SO nice.

I'm sorry the entries have been rather truncated lately. The posts have been a "oh whoops, forgot to blog today" entry and I have to get back into the swing of taking things more seriously and documenting everything better as well.
Clearly with all the cheating and slacking on the gym, one thing that, now close to halfway through, I've really learned is that sticking to a really strict diet is pretty unrealistic for someone who has an unpredictable schedule, a boyfriend, who likes to eat in general, and who travels a lot. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself and taking it as an observation of the process and not a criticism.

41/40 days to go...

Here I am, writing from Ithaca as I embark on a two-day training at Cornell. Wee!

Yesterday's details:
- breakfast: smoothie, as usual
- lunch: two pieces of whole wheat toast with peanut butter, a little salad, yogurt with berries
- dinner: pita pit again (leaving for two days means fridge is empty), but this time no pop or chips
- gym: 30 minute cardio + abs
I also kept up with my crunches and pushups today! Go me!

Today I started my day with a banana only for breakfast. I had a LONG night with very little sleep, so I had very little appetite. Lunch at work before we left today was some leftover pasta/tomato alfedo/spinach from the other day. I had a snack of an apple and a small individual bag of Smart Food once we got to the hotel. No gym today, unfortunately. I didn't have space for my gym stuff either so I'll have to make due with crunches and pushups if I can sneak them in. I'm traveling with our technician, so we're having a nice girly weekend! For food we were told that there was a fun thai place in the downtown core, so we went and I had pad thai. Thankfully I only ate about half of the monstrous portion we go, so I don't feel completely stuffed. Bonus.

Tomorrow is a day full of training, math, catered food (uh-oh) and another dinner out. Let's see how we manage...

43/42 days to go...

Yesterday was a bit of a mash-up. I slept in with the intention of going into work, until a friend posted some pictures of campus on Facebook that made me think twice. Apparently 2000 students shut down an entire city block for St.Patrick's Day for a massive street party, prompting news crews and police to pepper campus. I absolutely hate all that nonsense, so I stayed in bed a little longer...

I had leftover spring rolls (3) for lunch, along with leftover chips (horrible, I know). I had a banana as well. Brunch of champions haha!

For dinner I went to my brother's Iron Ring ceremony and munched on a few mini sandwiches (curry chicken and tomato lettuce and cheese), along with some pita chips and dip. I got home and felt pretty lazy, so I used leftover tomato alfredo sauce with whole wheat pasta and threw a bunch of spinach in there too. My first real pasta in a while, and honestly after a month of eating super healthy, nutritionally dense food, pasta doesn't really cut it. It also doesn't have the luscious cheat factor that somethings like pizza, chips or candy have. Honestly it's probably not even worth it, so I'll opt out of that next time.

I did hit the gym though, and stuck with a 20 minute cardio and abs. The gym has been packed lately, which I know isn't an excuse to skip the targeted muscle exercises, but I have also been quite busy with work between being in Montreal and Toronto. I'm going to make that my goal for the next few gym sessions.


Today I made a smoothie with frozen mango, frozen raspberry, strawberries, banana, orange juice and yogurt. Delicious! Frozen fruit are the way to go, and they were on sale this week. Bonus!

Lunch was a spinach salad with leftover carrots from the spring rolls, cucumbers and the last bit of that block of cheddar for protein. I also had a small cup of yogurt with that chocolate protein granola and strawberries. I had snap peas and green tea for snack.

I've caught myself not making tea or coffee in the morning anymore, and I've also realized that I don't need a cup of tea until 2-3pm. Today I hit a crash around 3:30pm (Rob and I call that the "three-and-a-half o'clock"). I am pretty proud of myself in having almost completely cut my coffee intake! The only caffeine I've had in the last month, besides the almost daily green teas, have been a cup of coffee in Toronto after the early morning train ride last week, and in the mornings with Rob in Montreal. That's it! Hooray!! I miss the cup of warm coffee in my hand following me around in the morning when I get ready, and that's why I indulge with Rob because it's a beloved tradition for us. But, I never would have thought that almost without noticing it, I've cut morning coffees out of my diet.

Dinner tonight was Pita Pit (chicken breast on whole wheat, with romaine, tomatoes, pickles, green olives, feta, mustard and light mayo - sooo good), with a small bag of chips and a Canada Dry. I usually get some diet version of pop, if I ever do get pop which is rare, but I decided against all that aspartame and decided to go with the real thing and drink it slowly over the next few days. I love ginger, and ginger ale is definitely one of the most underrated drinks out there. I'll be happy to have that can in the fridge on a day when my stomach needs some soothing bubbles.

I decided to take a break from the gym and yoga tonight to relax a little. I've had a very emotionally tough week or two, first with being in Montreal and on shark week (complete gong show) and now just being away from Rob and being in a bit of a work slump, among other things. I decided to listen to what I needed and have a warm bath, and do some reading in my pjs. I'll have time for the gym tomorrow, but some rest and relaxation is in order for this tired and emotional girl.

44 days to go...

Today was a great day! I slept in, got up and went to a really intense 75 minute hot yoga class called Baptiste Power. This is a class with lots of holding, lots of flows and lots of intense muscle work. I have to say, and I mentioned this to Rob this morning, that going to the gym often and doing focused workouts has drastically improved my yoga practice. I'm building confidence because I can hold my poses longer and with less strain, I can go deeper into the poses and I can move in ways I couldn't. All of this translates to a quieter mind as I have less to struggle with in terms of my inner dialogue. Awesome class!

Before class I tried an avocado-banana-orange juice smoothie. It was ... ok. I only used half an avocado and no matter how much orange juice I added I still felt that it was a bit thick for my liking. Still, a great way to get healthy fats into my smoothie. For lunch in the afternoon I had a can of italian wedding soup and some chips (leftover from last night with Leslie).

Dinner was amazing! Leslie came over again and we made fresh shrimp spring rolls! These had carrot, cucumber, cilantro and shrimp, with vermicelli and wrapped in rice paper. We made a sauce as well, as follows:

1/4 c. soy sauce
1/4 c. water
1 tsp corn starch
2 tbsp rice vinegar
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 tbsp sugar
few drops of sesame oil

Combine ingredients in a small saucepan and simmer for 3-5 minutes until sugar has dissolved and sauce has thickened.

Leslie brought cookie dough and made us chocolate chip cookies for dessert as we watched Sleeping Beauty. What a great few nights with my lady friend! :)

47/46/45 days to go...

Wow, I haven't really been keeping up. Here is what I can remember back from Wednesday...

Wednesday:

- Breakfast: smoothie (banana, yogurt, flaxseed oil, protein powder, fruit)
- Lunch: wasn't too hungry, but had a few bites of salad and some yogurt
- Dinner: I had my brother over, and I made some gnocchi with tomato alfredo sauce (can), baked with cheddar and parm and with jalapeno cheddar bread (his favourite)

I went to the gym after dinner with my brother, and did cardio (20 min bike + 5 min intense rowing), a bit of arms, and abs

Thursday:

Thursday was a gong show. I had to get up at 5:30am to catch my 7:30am train to Toronto for work, so I had a protein-flaxseed oil smoothie at like 6am and that held me over until a very late lunch around 2pm with the people I was working with. We offered to take our host out for lunch as a thank you and he picked a burger place (...) so off we went. Remember that I eat like a bird at lunch, a little spinach salad with yogurt. Needless to say, I wanted to die after having a burger with fries. I was SO uncomfortable, bloated and felt miserable. I never eat that heavily over lunch, and now I understand why people have light lunches. I wanted to have a nap and thankfully we got in the car to come back here and I got to digest a little bit. My god. Awful. When I got home I went straight to the gym and did the same thing as Wednesday. A bit of munchies at a friend's house for her birthday (carrot sticks, birthday cake, chips etc.) but no dinner.

Today:

- Breakfast: same smoothie as usual
- Lunch: spinach salad (ahhhh!), with carrots, cucumber and that thai chicken I made earlier this week
- Dinner: my friend Leslie and I decided to have a slack night in and we got pizza and snacks and some wine and caught up. Very girly night in, with gossip, sweat pants and lots of candy. Felt amazing :)
- Gym was the same as above, and definitely necessary knowing tonight was going to happen

And now for a weekend of catch-up!

48 days to go...

No post yesterday, unfortunately. I got home Monday night and had a bizarre nagging headache, which went away during yoga, but came back later that night and stuck around until this morning (...). Migraines are wonderful, especially two in one week. -_-

So, yesterday was no gym or yoga and a bit of a free-for-all in terms of food. When I get a migraine, I usually eat a little in the morning just to get the engine going, but I generally lose my appetite. So, for breakfast I had a tablespoon of steel-cut oats with milk and that barely made it down.

Then I had a dentist appointment to get to, which was horrible, and then in to work to get samples ready for my trip to Toronto tomorrow. I couldn't NOT come in. I got home and slept from about 10am to 7:30pm, with a few sips of water here and there. I got up to take ibuprofen around 5pm, and that made it possible to get up and make a bit of dinner. Migraine dinner consisted of a bowl of all-bran and a smoothie (banana, raspberries, yogurt, orange juice, flaxseed oil and protein powder). I'm having my brother over for dinner tonight, so I managed to make a loaf of cheddar-jalapeno bread (his favourite), so I tried a slice to make sure it was cooked properly, and I also made a batch of homemade gnocchi and also tried a few to make sure they were ok. Homemade gnocchi is delicious with pesto!

I'll write about today later on.

49 days to go...

I feel much much better today. Don't get me wrong, I still miss Rob terribly and the feeling of being cut out of someplace you feel you belong and plunked back into where you are is still very much present. On the plus side, I got back into my routine today, so I feel good in that respect.

Breakfast was steel-cut oats with milk, a dab of peanut butter and cinnamon. A serving of oats is 1/4 cup, but it's quite filling.

Lunch was a spinach salad with cucumbers and 1/2 can of canned salmon with olive oil/balsamic dressing, and yogurt with cinnamon, a bit of that PC protein plus granola, chia seeds and kamut flakes.

Snack in the afternoon was a solid cup of sugar snap peas on the walk home from work. I had a nibble of cheese (purchased to make my brother "thanks for watching the cat for a whole week" cheddar jalapeno bread) to hold me over while I went to my friend's house to try on formal dresses.

Here is the dress I tried on:

I LOVE this dress!! I sent this picture to Rob and he loved it too. My friend Caro is probably like 5'11" and weighs as much as I do, so for me to fit into this dress (it's an XS!!) is mind-blowing. I feel amazing in it!! This is me at 19 days into the challenge, supposedly around 135lbs. Feeling awesome!

Dinner was chicken, quinoa and carrots, same as yesterday. 

I finally went to yoga and it felt ah-mazing. Working out makes me feel tough and strong, but there's nothing to balance out this very masculine energy like a sweaty introspective bendy sweaty class. Mmmmm. 60 mintues of detox hot yoga = workout for the day! When I got home I blended a banana, a blood orange, a tbsp of protein powder, orange juice, a touch of honey and fat-free yogurt into a post-workout smoothie and had a small bowl of all-bran. I'm determined to add extra fibre to my diet, and if I have to eat cardboard cereal (I love pretty much all cereal, so I kid here), so be it.

Onwards through the next 3 weeks of solo eating.

51/50 days to go...

Aaaand here I am, back home. Sigh.

Yesterday we went to visit my grandparents who live north of the city, and they served us lunch. We got up late enough that I didn't have anything for breakfast except a quick cup of coffee, and lunch was pea soup, maraconi casserole, salad and white cake with apple jelly.

For dinner, Rob and I ate leftovers. I think I had a sandwich (the one I was supposed to take to work on Friday but never ate), a few bites of mac and cheese, some of that cake brownie thing, and an orange. No gym, since we had to come home early from lunch so Rob could get some studying in. We hung out and watched The Office (our favourite) and watched The Lovely Bones. Thus concluded our last night of this amazing week.

This morning we had oatmeal for breakfast with coffee. Rob packed me a lunch of a half sandwich, grapes, a banana, an apple and a few Oreos for the bus trip. I ate the sandwich, an Oreo and enough grapes to help swallow an Ibuprofen. I was NOT feeling good about leaving. I really settled into living there, going to the gym there, the routine of commuting, which I don't have to deal with at all here, and generally the lifestyle of getting to live with my man all the time. Needless to say, getting to spend a week of normalcy with your long-distance partner is truly a gift, and one I didn't want to let go of.

When I got home, I went to the grocery store for some much needed "health food" aka. vegetables! I picked up some spinach, carrots, a ton of bananas, cilantro, bok choy, and english cucumbers. I also got some All-Bran style fibre cereal and lots of milk and yogurt for smoothies. Because of the bus ride, the quick trip to the lab to get organized for the week, and the work I had to put in to prepare for tomorrow's tutorial, on top of grocery shopping, no gym AGAIN. That ends tomorrow.

I made chicken with that Thai cilantro stuff, quinoa and steamed carrots for dinner. I made enough to last me three meals, including tonight. For dessert I had a bowl of that fibre cereal (1/2 cup = 1 serving), and a banana-orange-raspberry smoothie with flaxseed oil and some honey. I really missed that thing and a tiny part of me was excited to come home to make smoothies. But now that I've had it and I'm still alone in my quiet apartment, I would give it up to be back in Montreal curled up on the couch laughing with my boyfriend.

I have a long 18 days coming up. This is the amount of time until I see my man again. He has midterms until the 19th so the next week and a bit for him are solely dedicated to study. I'm going to Cornell from the 20-23, so there goes that weekend for visits, and the following weekend is finally Easter! Rob will be coming home with me for some much-needed family and relaxation time. It honestly feels like an eternity away.

Aaand the tears :(

53/52 days to go...

I feel like garbage today. Yesterday for some reason getting out of bed was a NIGHTMARE. I just couldn't open my eyes, I had no energy, and it ended up carrying on throughout my day. I went into work and was just so exhausted all day, until I finally decided to have a coffee with lunch. I also got some donuts for Rob's lab as a thank you for constantly being in everyone's way all week, and I had half a donut. BIG MISTAKE.

I get migraines quite frequently so the combination of exhaustion and sweets did me in. Halfway through my afternoon at the lab I started to feel a lack of focus, like I couldn't see straight, almost like being drunk. I had a headache on the right-hand site of my head and desperately wanted to go home and get into my pjs.

Breakfast yesterday was toast with peanut butter. For lunch I had a few bites of salad and a soup from Tim Horton's. Dinner was pork ribs, green beans and mac and cheese, a bit of an elaborate dinner but we were having Rob's brother over. He's in first year and res food sucks, so we thought this would be a nice change. It was cool to have him over. I also made the boys a decadent dessert (devil food cake + oreos + caramel + chocolate chip squares) and had a piece. Yummy! Because we had to be home early to start cooking all this food, the gym didn't happen. I would have gone earlier in the day, like I did on Wednesday, but I had lots of work to wrap up and was in the lab all afternoon.

Today the migraine persisted and I didn't go into work with Rob, nor did I have breakfast. I slept until 2:30pm, and only stopped to take ibuprofen, chug some water, and have a coffee and a piece of bread to make sure any head pain wasn't being caused by lack of food or caffeine. I felt better and stayed in (again, no gym today) to work on my tutorial for Monday morning. For afternoon snack, I had a banana and a blood orange, and a bit of leftover mac and cheese. For dinner we went out for sushi at this place called Sushi 999 on Sherbrooke...I absolutely adore sushi so this was nice.

Now I'm home and had another orange as a snack. I'm exhausted but am waiting for Rob to finish playing his game online before we go to bed.

It's incredible but I think lack of "healthy eating," and definitely lack of yoga, maybe lack of schedule, is really affecting my mood. I have been irritable, cranky and generally sad all week. Maybe it's the sadness of knowing my time here is almost over, maybe it's really the lifestyle affecting me, who knows.

55/54 days to go...

Oh boy. This is tough! I miss my smoothies, my protein powder and my nutritionally dense nuts, seeds and things. This is certainly an eye-opener into what life with my man would be like if we lived together ie. me struggling with whether to eat coconut granola or cheesy pizza and ice cream every day. AHH!

Breakfast yesterday and today hasn't been bad, but hasn't been as full of fruit as I am used to. I'm having toast with peanut butter. Could be better, could be worse. I've also snuck a few cups of coffee over the last three days. Not bad, and aside from these half-milk, half-coffee morning "coffees," I'm mostly caffeine-free now. It's been definitely affecting my energy. I hit a low around 3pm, another around 7pm and I'm WIPED by 11pm every night, something very unusual. Perhaps this has to do with being in Montreal, the commute, the treks uphill across campus, the crappier diet, and daily gym sessions with a 200lb man, but I'm certainly feeling it a lot more now.

Lunch has been the only part of my day that I've been good about. Thankfully something is sticking. Maybe something about being in study/work/focus/drive mode and not really being in position to put my feet up, snuggle and eat ice cream? Probably...

Anyway, lunch has been spinach salad with veggies, yogurt and fruit and more veggies as a snack in the afternoon. We don't get home until at least 8pm in the evening, so I really don't eat much between over the course of 12 hours.

Dinner last night was chips and pizza at my boyfriend's work. The crew there organized a movie night, complete with chips and Dominoes. I skipped the alcohol though, thankfully, so I was able to cut calories there. When we got home we had frozen yogurt.

Tonight's dinner was frozen pizza haha and more frozen yogurt. I'm doing horribly right now. Thankfully I trekked uphill (and I mean uphill, like your thighs hurt and you are out of breath when you arrive at your destination) three separate times today, and walked half an hour to the grocery store and went to the gym for an hour. I'm keeping up with exercise, but certainly that doesn't mean I can binge on whatever I want.

Speaking of workouts, we've been good!
Yesterday: 30 minutes of cardio + chest/back + abs
Today: 20 minutes of cardio + all that walking uphill + legs + abs (my legs will hate me tomorrow)

I've got to sneak veggies in and keep going on the smaller portions! I think the older I get the more of a canonical "must-eat-everything-in-sight-and-bloat-miserably" effect shark week has on me. Today I was grumpy and all I wanted was a cheesy piece of pasta. Can't wait to shake this feeling off and get back into my normal self. I'll take a picture when I don't feel so pregnant.

Also, fun fact: yesterday I weighed myself at the gym and I was down to 135lb. Either the day I was 138lb (Sunday?) the scale was poorly calibrated, the scale is poorly calibrated today, or I lost 3lbs in like 3 days (on a diet of daily pizza and frozen yogurt, this is unlikely). I think the likely culprit is the poorly calibrated scale the other day, so I'll say confidently that I'm down to 135lb! This is a little surprising considering how strong I feel and how much muscle I know I've built, but it also means that the fat must also be coming off. Neat!

56 days to go...

Ok, first work day breakfast, lunch and dinner at the bf's house.

Breakfast was toast with peanut butter and a banana. Not bad! I had a very small cup of coffee with lots of milk, and a tea.

For lunch I did pretty well. I made a spinach salad with canned salmon, yogurt + strawberries, and veggies with hummus. We went to Tim's for a break mid-afternoon and I got a cookie and some tea.

Dinner was a huge fail. Garlic bread, pizza and caramel coconut blondie frozen yogurt. I'm definitely slacking on the morning pushups/situps/plant routine, and I feel really bad. I can feel it too. We were stuck at work until close to 8pm so we skipped the gym. We have plans to go mid-day tomorrow, when I'll crank it on the bike to burn off all this bread. I am definitely finding that it's more fun to indulge in yummy foods when there is someone else around to enjoy them with you. Rob and I both love food in general, so it's much much more difficult to be good around him. Plus the routine hasn't settled yet and I still feel like I'm on vacation or something, so the natural urge to indulge is exaggerated.

I feel better than yesterday. The only thing really nagging at me now is that I feel guilty about having such a bad day. I've found that the solution to feeling guilty and stressed about what you're eating is to ease up on it all, but inevitably that means easing up on the regimen and the results that come with are a little unsettling. Right now I look about 4 months pregnant. My belly bloats really easily, so if I have any kind of carbs I look like I'm expecting. That sucks. This week is, as my girlfriends and I have whimsically called it, "shark week" so I know I'll be craving goodies but will also have to make sure my body is well-stocked with nutrients.

57 days to go...

Today was tough. We got up fairly late (11:30am) and so I made my toast/avocado/salsa/egg concoction for the bf and he loved it. He also had half a package of Quaker Blueberry Muffin mix that he likes and asked me to make for him. I obliged, and ate a few muffins (oops.)

That took us until mid-afternoon when I had a blood orange (yummy) for snack before we went downtown for our workout. We did 20 minutes cardio + arms + abs. Dinner was chicken and spinach enchiladas. I made the sauce way too spicy to there's my accidental/unfortunate method of eating less! Dessert was cookies again.

It's tough to write a blog about food and workouts when you have body image issues (ie. are a normal woman). Even writing this out now is emotional. Every woman knows this. The whole reason for doing a bootcamp is so I can look good in a bathing suit. The definition of "good" is what troubles me. It goes without saying that we are surrounded by women that we feel, after years of being punched in the face with notions of beauty in music, movies and elsewhere, are better than us. Most of the time I can yank myself out of thinking I should look like that by remembering that most celebrities have trainers and nutritionists on call 24/7, have the money to buy clothes that are always flattering, pay a hefty sum for a round-the-clock makeup and hair team, and if all of that fails, are in the hands of Photoshop pros. Us normal women don't have all of that. We have amateur versions of these things: a friend or inner voice telling us to work out more and eat less, we buy the clothes we hope we can squeeze into and pull off, we might pay a little for our hair and makeup and obsess over it all, and we edit the crap out of our Facebook accounts to mask any hint of unflattering photos of us anywhere. What's worse is that we know these women look amazing and somehow we forget about the orchestration it takes to put it all together. Sometimes others forget too, and compliments towards those women can deeply wound even the most confident woman.

For the first time today, I felt really silly about this bootcamp, so much so that I felt like sobbing into a giant plate of poutine. The pressure women face to look good is enormous. I weighed myself before the gym (138lbs). It's amazing what numbers can do to you. I automatically felt strong, fit, toned and pretty. I was walking into my workout feeling like a rock star! Look how amazing I look, how much tighter my muscles look, and how nice my skin is, PLUS I lost 5 lbs? YES!! But, later in our workout my boyfriend did something pretty natural which was to comment on what a babe a tall blonde celebrity was. He's entitled to this and thinking other women are beautiful doesn't really bother me because deep down I realize that this is absolutely not a threat to me in any way. But for some reason, today, I turned this benign comment into an avalanche. Here I am, struggling with what I eat, and busting my ass at the gym to feel good about myself, and I still oddly feel like I have to compare myself to other people that my boyfriend finds attractive. Suddenly I didn't feel so hot and so strong, I felt stupid and cheap. I felt like I was 16 again, trying desperately to look like the pretty popular blonde girl so the cute boy would like me too. My boyfriend tells me every day how beautiful he thinks I am, and he already loves me the way I am. I know he'll love me in the Maldives too. So why am I doing this? Am I trying to please myself? Him? I can't magically grow taller to become the tall woman my man thinks is a babe, and I'll never have tight skin and look airbrushed and polished all the time. Instead I'll be imperfect, I'll eat fried chicken sometimes and I'll always be 5'5". Yet a simple harmless comment absolutely obliterated my self esteem. It all suddenly felt really stupid to be trying to firm, tighten and shed.

And yet before going to bed, I have packed my spinach salad, yogurt with strawberries, and veggies with hummus for lunch. I feel like a loser, even though I know I'm being reasonable and healthy. I've upset my boyfriend and worried him since I've been incapable of saying anything real in the last 8 hours for fear of bursting into tears. All over a stupid comment that means nothing and that he is totally entitled to. I think normal women need a head adjustment to silence the screaming inner voice that destroys us over something so meaningless. We all know her, that voice telling us that we better shape up and look like that tall model otherwise our men won't find us pretty anymore. That voice is a bitch. The book I'm reading (May I Be Happy by Cyndi Lee) is discussing just that: tapping into your feminine power and owning what you look like and your body. Time to go read more of it and absorb, absorb, absorb. This is a not a problem with what our men say, it's a problem with ourselves and fixing it comes from within.

59/58 days to go...

Ah, the end of a hectic week, thank God. Here I am now finally in Montreal with my man, relaxing after dinner to write a bit of my blog.

Yesterday was a gong show in every respect. Breakfast was a smoothie (to get rid of the bananas, yogurt and strawberries) and I skipped going out for lunch with my lab to eat my regular spinach salad, fruit + yogurt and veggies + hummus. It was a time when I felt ok not going out to lunch, since I knew dinner would be all over the place and that I couldn't really do two cheat meals in one day. I was pretty happy with the decision too since it allowed me to get some more work done and attend lecture for the class I TA.

I had a bus to catch at 5:40pm so obviously I had no time for the gym. While I was packing I had two pieces of toast with peanut butter to hold me over until I got into town last night. By the time I dropped my samples off at my boyfriend's lab and we got home, it was close to 11pm. He had been craving pizza all week and waited all night for me to get home before he ate dinner, so we went to Pizza Hut and had a stuffed crust pizza with cheesy breadsticks. I skipped the pop (that much sugar and caffeine before bed and I'd be a goner, and I felt the need to have water after a long day) and had a smaller portion of food than I normally would have. In the end, this day was a write-off (the last of this week I promise) but it reminded me once again, like all week, that life happens and you won't be able to fit a workout in every day and eat perfectly healthy every day. When cheat meals come along I think the best thing to do is just eat a smaller portion and drink lots of water to wash it down. All in moderation right?

Today was my first full day in Montreal with my boyfriend. As a bit of background, he is a very active guy who goes to the gym every day. He does the same rotation of arms, check/back and legs as I do, plus abs. I do a bit more cardio than him, but it evens out in the end since he tends to do a few more exercises than I do. For food, he has a very healthy appetite and eats quite a bit. He is an active guy so he doesn't really care so much about watching what he eats that much, but overall makes the effort to have protein, carb and veg at every meal. He eats fruit and oatmeal for breakfast and is very respectful of my eating choices as they usually differ quite a bit.

My biggest struggle with the bootcamp will be melding my habits with his as we co-habitate this week. We got groceries earlier tonight and I made sure to get my usual yogurt, fruit, etc. I brought the rest of the veggies from my places that I couldn't get through, like spinach, my huge bag of veggies, basil, and hummus. I think I'll be able to eat by my meal plan for breakfast and lunch (minus all my wonderful grains that I left at home), but dinner will have to be improvised on my part. Again, my plan is smaller portions of everything.

Today we got up around 10am and had to meet a friend downtown at 1pm, so I made us lunch instead of breakfast. He is a terrific cook so he made a tomato sauce to go with the homemade gnocchi I brought him, so we made up a bit of that. I also made a big spinach salad with carrots, red peppers and cucumbers.

At the mall I got an Acai Protein smoothie from Jugo Juice (acai, protein powder, low-fat yogurt, apple juice and strawberries - DELICIOUS) to hold me over since I knew we wouldn't get home and have dinner until much much later. He stopped for a snack (A&W), which I had a few bites of, but I'm glad I skipped the second snack/meal after our day of walking around downtown. We then went to the gym (20 minutes cardio + legs + abs + all the walking around we did all day = I'm exhausted), and went straight to the grocery store afterwards. For dinner I marinated some shrimp in the same marinade I used on the salmon pieces last week (orange juice, soy sauce, sesame oil, ginger, garlic, cilantro and sesame seeds), cooked some couscous, and finally some veggies. For dessert we had Chips Ahoy (his pick) and milk.

I plan to do a lot of cooking here this week, so more "girlfriend trying to be on a diet at boyfriend's house" recipes to come!

61/60 days to go...

Ahh, my first few days without posting. I knew this day would come.

The last week has been hectic. The course I TA has its midterm this week, and between frenzied study help sessions, proctoring the midterm, answering questions and being stuck at work late, I have missed Wednesday's and today's workouts. I've been doing about 50% of my morning/evening ab and arm work. I have noticed that I have much less energy, I tire more easily and I end up slacking on my diet more when I don't work out. I get jealous of my boyfriend who makes it every day, and irritable and grumpy about it. It's funny but you almost get addicted to working out. Endorphins are a real thing!

But before my discomfort about missing workouts spirals into self-hate and destructive guilty eating patterns, let's point out one simple thing: this is life. There are days when you're stuck at work until 9pm and by the time you get home and eat something, it's 10pm and you don't want to drag yourself to the gym. There will be weeks where these days happen more than once and often back to back. Life gets in the way of diet and exercise. I know of many schools of thought that would call being ok with this fact "slacking" or "making excuses." But let's get something straight - I'm a real human. I wish I could be a machine and feel no exhaustion, no hunger, and soullessly drag myself to the gym every single day. But that's an extreme behaviour and isn't sustainable, nor would it get me anywhere.

Yes, I do feel bad. I think of that bikini and it's motivation to do better in the upcoming days. I know that I'm missing tomorrow's workout too, since I'm leaving right after work to catch my bus to Montreal. My boyfriend has offered to help get me a week-long gym pass at his university facility so we can go together every day next week while I'm there. We'll start Saturday and have a nice sweaty workout to make up for this week.

In terms of food, I have been keeping up 95% of my diet! Go me! I really enjoy the creative freedom that comes with a basic recipe like "1 serving protein + 2 servings veg." It's almost a challenge.

Breakfast has been my toast/avocado/salsa poached egg yesterday and today. I've also added a banana + peanut butter + unsweetened almond milk smoothie. Yes it's too much for breakfast but I'm dying to eat all these bananas before they go bad.

Lunch has been spinach salad with salmon and berries with yogurt/kasha/kamut/chia.

Because of the smoothie I've been pretty full all day, so I haven't felt hungry for my afternoon snacks. Plus there have been treats at work both today (lemon tarts) and yesterday (macaroons), and I indulged in one or two.

I had a wonderful dinner both nights:
- zucchini sticks "breaded" with crushed Rice Krispies, dill, pepper and a bit of parmesan and cooked in olive oil
- 1/2 chicken breast (the ones I bought at WalMart were HUGE) marinated in sesame oil, fish sauce, cilantro and garlic. SO GOOD.

Tonight I had this dinner at 4pm because of this proctoring thing, so when I got home I had a double helping of my breakfast salsa toast invention. Thankfully this was a few hours ago so I'm also adhering to the "no eating 2 hours before you sleep" rule.

Overall I think despite missing my workouts I've kept to my diet fairly well. I've struck a balance. Although, I admit I can't wait to sweat all this avocado out at the gym on Saturday with my man!

62 days to go...

Today was definitely a slack day. I think we need to allow ourselves one or two of those every so often. I forgot my crunches, plank and pushups in the morning. So be it.

Breakfast and lunch were identical to yesterday. I went ahead with the salmon on top of my spinach salad as I had mentioned I would.

It was a rush day at work and I had to leave early (ie. skip the gym/yoga) in order to make it home on time to shower and get ready to celebrate my dear friend Sarah's birthday. She and her husband are so generous, loving, kind and giving; they always go all out to help make anything you are celebrating exciting and special. Of course, how could I say no when she invited me to dinner with her and a few friends. Her choice? Woodenheads, undeniably one of the best gourmet pizza places around. My salivary glands were so happy!

We had champagne at her place, wine at dinner, spring rolls as appetizers and the most delicious pizza ever conceived. The waitress sent complimentary chocolate lasagna as a surprise dessert for Sarah, and we had spiked espressos on the house to finish. What a meal!

I had the Sicilia pizza (tomato sauce, mozzarella, salami and basil). Definitely not diet. Definitely amazing. I'll definitely be doing veggies all the way tomorrow to make up for it, but let me share some heartwarming and touching words from the birthday girl tonight: 

"In my skinniest days I weighed 95lbs. I was tight, skinny, I had a flat tummy, big boobs and I was happy with my body. Then I gained some weight, and then for the wedding I got down to 105lbs. I had  a trainer and I was crazy with my food - no salad dressing, salad, nothing. I felt skinny and beautiful. Within seven days after the wedding, eating pretty normally and going swimming and on walks with my husband, I gained it all back. Now I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I go to the gym 3-4 times a week, where I do high intensity interval training, weights, and I'm in there for a solid hour. I watch what I eat, I make sure I have a leafy green every day, I'm careful not to put mayonnaise on everything, you know? But I CANNOT get down past 120lbs. I just can't. I've come to accept that now at my age maybe this is the body I'm meant to have. Maybe this is the way I'm supposed to look. At 20, I was a twig, then I had curves, and now I'm fuller. Yes I looked amazing and felt amazing at my wedding, and I'm happy I did my diet, but that's not how I want to live. And if I well, taking care of myself with cardio, weights and a healthy diet and this is the way I look, then that's the way I look."

Amen. 

63 days to go...

Since I bought a HUGE pile of fruit and veg and I need to eat it fast this week, because I'm spending essentially the first half of March in Montreal for work (and staying with my man, conveniently enough!), I've had to up the fruit/veg servings in my meals. This also means increasing creativity.

To go through the 5 avocados I have to eat this week, I incorporated half of one into my breakfast. This is amazing, definitely worth a try (and even better with shredded cheddar but not for me):

Top a piece of whole grain toast with mushed avocado and salsa. Then add a poached egg on top and sprinkle with cilantro. I LOVE this flavour combination. Seriously, I could eat it for every meal. Cilantro just makes everything so much better. Ahhh, this breakfast is so delicious. Slice open the poached egg and mix the soft runny yolk with the avocado salsa toast. Delicious and a good source of healthy fat, protein, and carbs.

Lunch was my spinach salad topped with a hard-boiled egg (yes, heavy on the eggs today) with homemade vinaigrette, and then mixed berries with yogurt with kamut, kasha, chia seeds and a bit of that chocolate protein granola.

Snack was veg with hummus, naturally, and dinner was an exact copy of last night. I have a bit of the salmon left so that's going to go on my salad tomorrow as protein. Yum!

Workout : 30 minutes of cardio + short arm workout + abs. I shortened this workout because the gym was absolutely PACKED and I honestly couldn't stand to be in there one more minute. Plus I had to get some change for laundry before the stores closed, and I was starving. I've been keeping up with my twice daily pushups so I didn't feel bad.

As I said, I did some laundry tonight and they had the air conditioning cranked. In my rain boots and thin socks, I was ready to get home and have a warm pre-bedtime smoothie. The rule about no eating 2 hours before bedtime is a good one, and yes, 95% of the time I will follow it. However, as I've said before I'm not one for wasting food and you should see the pile of bananas and fruit sitting on my shelves that need to get eaten this week.

Bedtime Smoothie

1/2 cup warm milk
warm banana
blueberries, generous handful
1 tbsp honey
sprinkle of cinnamon

Thank god for my Magic Bullet blender! I am enjoying this warm soothing calming smoothing as I type and I'm ready to snuggle into bed and watch The Office over Skype with my boyfriend.


On another note, I am currently reading this book:

It is written by an older, very well-known and well-liked yoga instructor named Cyndi Lee, who owns a successful yoga studio in New York. Here she writes about women and their bodies, and her personal journey to acceptance and love towards her body through yoga. I'm about half-way through it and it's really inspiring. The section I just read talked about finding a fine balance, like in yoga, between pushing yourself and being in a state of ease. This of course translates to taking good care of yourself and realizing that our bodies are in a constant state of fluctuation, of change. She writes about innate confidence and how to cultivate it. Very moving, inspiring and beautiful. 

64 days to go...

Today was an exploration.

Breakfast was the usual toast with peanut butter, but this time with a banana. Green tea. I had a cup of chocolate tea with some unsweetened chocolate almond milk to cool it down a bit. Delicious!

For lunch I tried that Vega One Nutritional Shake (Berry flavour) that I bought yesterday. It smelled ah-mazing! Definitely the first thing you get is the berries. The texture reminds me of the bottom of a mixed hot chocolate gone cold - that sort of grainy smoothness of the gunk that has sunk to the bottom of the mug. The shake is completely plant-based, is a source of protein, probiotics and 50% of your daily intake of a huge number of vitamins and minerals. It wasn't as thick as I anticipated, but it was definitely filling and kept me going all afternoon. I'd recommend it and it would probably help me out in a bind so I may go back for more of this.

In the afternoon I went to Baptiste Power at my studio and it was a fierce, sweaty hot class. I am definitely starting to feel the effects of my gym workouts in my yoga. I am definitely much stronger now, I can hold poses for longer and things like balances that used to give me ridiculous calf cramps don't do so as much now. Bottom line: yogis, go to the gym! (the reverse of that, of course, is to complement your gym workouts with yoga to stretch and reconnect). 

For a post-workout snack, I ate some crunchy veggies with homemade hummus. This recipe is from The Joy of Cooking and aside from being a bit heavy on the lemon, is pretty good. This made a huge batch so I'll have enough for the week for sure.

Dinner was FUN! I had a blast with this dinner. I made what was left of this rice blend that normally I find at Loblaws. They were out yesterday, hence the purchase of a similar blend at Bulk Barn. Here it is:

I make it with vegetable broth and a touch of margarine, which in addition to the rice itself adds a wonderful luscious creaminess to the rice. To die for.

With this, I quickly sauteed some red peppers and snap peas in garlic and a touch of coconut oil, just to warm them through. I added a thai fish cake, which I need to get through before they go bad, and topped it with a few pieces of the salmon pieces I bought yesterday and marinated overnight in a very small volume of soy sauce, orange juice, garlic, ginger,  2 drops of sesame oil, sesame seeds and cilantro. I quickly cooked these medium-rare in a bit of vegetable oil and voila! As you can tell I'm a sucker for plating...

It's Oscar night, so I decided to make a little treat for myself to indulge in while watching the red carpet arrivals (Jennifer Lawrence looks KILLER in her Dior haute couture!!). I adored this recipe and made the version here with yogurt and honey:

http://www.homemadetoast.com/2012/04/skinny-mug-brownie.html

Time for the awards ceremony!

65 days to go...

Unfortunately, I am gifted with my father's "prone to migraines" gene. As such, sometimes I get 2-3 day migraines that dramatically affect my daily function.

As you can maybe guess, this happened to me yesterday. I went to bed Friday night with a naggy headache on one side of my head and it persisted all day yesterday. This affected my workout significantly, but I was able to mostly stick to my meal plan.

I didn't start my day with my crunch/plank/pushup routine. To get the blood flowing and not sit around all day, I chose a very mild room temperature yoga class called Yinyasa. This is a blend of yin yoga, which targets connective tissue by holding stretching poses for 5-10 minutes at a time, and vinyasa, a simple flow for movement. The music is soft, the lights are dimmed and our instructor was magnificent.  I really enjoyed this class and it took some of the pain away. I had been craving a soothing cool class like this, so it worked out in the end. I did my plank before bed but not the pushups and crunches - I was on Skype with my boyfriend and his brother joined in and we all chatted for a while until it was way too late to get anything other than sleeping done.

I had my regular breakfast of toast with peanut butter and an apple, with orange juice and tea. For lunch I had a salad of spinach with a hard-boiled egg and a piece of that cheese (it's almost gone!). Dinner was a bit difference since I had a date with one of my girlfriends. She got to pick the restaurant so we went to Curry Original. It's pretty hard to keep a diet up in a place that specializes in meat stewed in cream, butter and yogurt and served with rice and bread. We got tandoori chicken, served on rice with salad (yay green things!) and saag paneer (more green!) with some rice. We skipped the naan and didn't get anything battered or fried, so I think overall we did ok. My friend is also pretty conscious of what she eats so I didn't feel bad asking to skip the naan (although I love naan and it was a sad thing not to have some to sop up the paneer). I also didn't eat until I needed to be rolled out of the restaurant, so it helped to order less, eat slowly and stop when I was full.

I mentioned on Friday that yesterday was my first grocery since starting this thing. I loooove grocery shopping. I feel like a chef carefully choosing her ingredients to create with and savour. That sounded super corny, but I shamelessly love food, so whatever. Here is a summary of what I got:

- low-fat plain yogurt, 2 tubs
- eggs
- whole grain bread, 2 loaves
- loads of bananas
- basil and cilantro
- massive tub of baby spinach
- baby carrots, cucumbers, red peppers and snap peas (for snacks)
- zucchini
- almond milk (2 containers of plain, 2 of vanilla and 2 of chocolate, all unsweetened) (they were on sale)
- 1% milk
- strawberries, 2 pints
- blueberries, 1 pint
- clubpack of boneless, skinless chicken breasts
- bits of fresh salmon (the bits that they can't sell as whole fillets or pieces)
- avocados, 5
- PC Blue Menu Granola Boost with Protein (OH. MY. GOD. This stuff tastes so good, and is meant as  a supplement to yogurt or milk. It's addictive straight out of the bag so I'll have to be careful but my dear god this stuff is delicious)

I then made a trip to one of my favourites places, Bulk Barn. I wanted to stock up on smoothie ingredients, bulk whole grains and other organic/whole ingredients for cooking. My haul:

- organic coconut oil
- tahini
- kamut flakes
- kasha
- chia seeds
- flaxseed oil
- wild rice blend
- dry chickpeas
- quinoa
- steel-cut oats
- large oats
- whey protein powder
- Vega One Berries Nutritional Shake trial size

To me the above ingredients scream healthy and I can't wait to use them. I'll keep you posted!

66 days to go...

Today was almost exactly the same as yesterday. I ate exactly the same breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I did something I almost never do: go to the gym after dinner. As I've said, I always head to the gym on the way home. The protein you're supposed to eat following a workout then follows naturally as dinner. Today, I went for a celebratory beer (and by that I mean 2/3 pint of Strongbow) with my co-workers and was home by 5. I didn't want to go to the gym a) with the better part of a pint of cider in me and b) on a completely empty stomach, so I ate my dinner and went around 6:30 instead. It was nice. Much quieter and after I got home it was kind of nice not to have to prepare dinner. To satisfy the post-workout protein requirement, I ate a serving of low-fat chicken meatballs that I have as an emergency/leftovers in the freezer. One serving is 6 meatballs and they are tiny.

Workout today was 20 minutes spin + 1/2 legs + abs.

I shortened my workout to this "light" version of legs because prior to starting this project, I had been going to the gym almost every day since the new year and frankly it was time to lay off a bit. My legs were absolute mush today, and I know that they tire easily during this leg routine so I took it a bit easier on the spin. I did a half workout in that I only did one exercise from each muscle group instead of two. Still, I was at the gym for the better part of an hour and I feel great about it.

Tomorrow is my first grocery trip since starting this and I'll be picking up a new items I've never tried before. Stay tuned...