I feel like garbage today. Yesterday for some reason getting out of bed was a NIGHTMARE. I just couldn't open my eyes, I had no energy, and it ended up carrying on throughout my day. I went into work and was just so exhausted all day, until I finally decided to have a coffee with lunch. I also got some donuts for Rob's lab as a thank you for constantly being in everyone's way all week, and I had half a donut. BIG MISTAKE.
I get migraines quite frequently so the combination of exhaustion and sweets did me in. Halfway through my afternoon at the lab I started to feel a lack of focus, like I couldn't see straight, almost like being drunk. I had a headache on the right-hand site of my head and desperately wanted to go home and get into my pjs.
Breakfast yesterday was toast with peanut butter. For lunch I had a few bites of salad and a soup from Tim Horton's. Dinner was pork ribs, green beans and mac and cheese, a bit of an elaborate dinner but we were having Rob's brother over. He's in first year and res food sucks, so we thought this would be a nice change. It was cool to have him over. I also made the boys a decadent dessert (devil food cake + oreos + caramel + chocolate chip squares) and had a piece. Yummy! Because we had to be home early to start cooking all this food, the gym didn't happen. I would have gone earlier in the day, like I did on Wednesday, but I had lots of work to wrap up and was in the lab all afternoon.
Today the migraine persisted and I didn't go into work with Rob, nor did I have breakfast. I slept until 2:30pm, and only stopped to take ibuprofen, chug some water, and have a coffee and a piece of bread to make sure any head pain wasn't being caused by lack of food or caffeine. I felt better and stayed in (again, no gym today) to work on my tutorial for Monday morning. For afternoon snack, I had a banana and a blood orange, and a bit of leftover mac and cheese. For dinner we went out for sushi at this place called Sushi 999 on Sherbrooke...I absolutely adore sushi so this was nice.
Now I'm home and had another orange as a snack. I'm exhausted but am waiting for Rob to finish playing his game online before we go to bed.
It's incredible but I think lack of "healthy eating," and definitely lack of yoga, maybe lack of schedule, is really affecting my mood. I have been irritable, cranky and generally sad all week. Maybe it's the sadness of knowing my time here is almost over, maybe it's really the lifestyle affecting me, who knows.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
55/54 days to go...
Oh boy. This is tough! I miss my smoothies, my protein powder and my nutritionally dense nuts, seeds and things. This is certainly an eye-opener into what life with my man would be like if we lived together ie. me struggling with whether to eat coconut granola or cheesy pizza and ice cream every day. AHH!
Breakfast yesterday and today hasn't been bad, but hasn't been as full of fruit as I am used to. I'm having toast with peanut butter. Could be better, could be worse. I've also snuck a few cups of coffee over the last three days. Not bad, and aside from these half-milk, half-coffee morning "coffees," I'm mostly caffeine-free now. It's been definitely affecting my energy. I hit a low around 3pm, another around 7pm and I'm WIPED by 11pm every night, something very unusual. Perhaps this has to do with being in Montreal, the commute, the treks uphill across campus, the crappier diet, and daily gym sessions with a 200lb man, but I'm certainly feeling it a lot more now.
Lunch has been the only part of my day that I've been good about. Thankfully something is sticking. Maybe something about being in study/work/focus/drive mode and not really being in position to put my feet up, snuggle and eat ice cream? Probably...
Anyway, lunch has been spinach salad with veggies, yogurt and fruit and more veggies as a snack in the afternoon. We don't get home until at least 8pm in the evening, so I really don't eat much between over the course of 12 hours.
Dinner last night was chips and pizza at my boyfriend's work. The crew there organized a movie night, complete with chips and Dominoes. I skipped the alcohol though, thankfully, so I was able to cut calories there. When we got home we had frozen yogurt.
Tonight's dinner was frozen pizza haha and more frozen yogurt. I'm doing horribly right now. Thankfully I trekked uphill (and I mean uphill, like your thighs hurt and you are out of breath when you arrive at your destination) three separate times today, and walked half an hour to the grocery store and went to the gym for an hour. I'm keeping up with exercise, but certainly that doesn't mean I can binge on whatever I want.
Speaking of workouts, we've been good!
Yesterday: 30 minutes of cardio + chest/back + abs
Today: 20 minutes of cardio + all that walking uphill + legs + abs (my legs will hate me tomorrow)
I've got to sneak veggies in and keep going on the smaller portions! I think the older I get the more of a canonical "must-eat-everything-in-sight-and-bloat-miserably" effect shark week has on me. Today I was grumpy and all I wanted was a cheesy piece of pasta. Can't wait to shake this feeling off and get back into my normal self. I'll take a picture when I don't feel so pregnant.
Also, fun fact: yesterday I weighed myself at the gym and I was down to 135lb. Either the day I was 138lb (Sunday?) the scale was poorly calibrated, the scale is poorly calibrated today, or I lost 3lbs in like 3 days (on a diet of daily pizza and frozen yogurt, this is unlikely). I think the likely culprit is the poorly calibrated scale the other day, so I'll say confidently that I'm down to 135lb! This is a little surprising considering how strong I feel and how much muscle I know I've built, but it also means that the fat must also be coming off. Neat!
Breakfast yesterday and today hasn't been bad, but hasn't been as full of fruit as I am used to. I'm having toast with peanut butter. Could be better, could be worse. I've also snuck a few cups of coffee over the last three days. Not bad, and aside from these half-milk, half-coffee morning "coffees," I'm mostly caffeine-free now. It's been definitely affecting my energy. I hit a low around 3pm, another around 7pm and I'm WIPED by 11pm every night, something very unusual. Perhaps this has to do with being in Montreal, the commute, the treks uphill across campus, the crappier diet, and daily gym sessions with a 200lb man, but I'm certainly feeling it a lot more now.
Lunch has been the only part of my day that I've been good about. Thankfully something is sticking. Maybe something about being in study/work/focus/drive mode and not really being in position to put my feet up, snuggle and eat ice cream? Probably...
Anyway, lunch has been spinach salad with veggies, yogurt and fruit and more veggies as a snack in the afternoon. We don't get home until at least 8pm in the evening, so I really don't eat much between over the course of 12 hours.
Dinner last night was chips and pizza at my boyfriend's work. The crew there organized a movie night, complete with chips and Dominoes. I skipped the alcohol though, thankfully, so I was able to cut calories there. When we got home we had frozen yogurt.
Tonight's dinner was frozen pizza haha and more frozen yogurt. I'm doing horribly right now. Thankfully I trekked uphill (and I mean uphill, like your thighs hurt and you are out of breath when you arrive at your destination) three separate times today, and walked half an hour to the grocery store and went to the gym for an hour. I'm keeping up with exercise, but certainly that doesn't mean I can binge on whatever I want.
Speaking of workouts, we've been good!
Yesterday: 30 minutes of cardio + chest/back + abs
Today: 20 minutes of cardio + all that walking uphill + legs + abs (my legs will hate me tomorrow)
I've got to sneak veggies in and keep going on the smaller portions! I think the older I get the more of a canonical "must-eat-everything-in-sight-and-bloat-miserably" effect shark week has on me. Today I was grumpy and all I wanted was a cheesy piece of pasta. Can't wait to shake this feeling off and get back into my normal self. I'll take a picture when I don't feel so pregnant.
Also, fun fact: yesterday I weighed myself at the gym and I was down to 135lb. Either the day I was 138lb (Sunday?) the scale was poorly calibrated, the scale is poorly calibrated today, or I lost 3lbs in like 3 days (on a diet of daily pizza and frozen yogurt, this is unlikely). I think the likely culprit is the poorly calibrated scale the other day, so I'll say confidently that I'm down to 135lb! This is a little surprising considering how strong I feel and how much muscle I know I've built, but it also means that the fat must also be coming off. Neat!
Monday, March 4, 2013
56 days to go...
Ok, first work day breakfast, lunch and dinner at the bf's house.
Breakfast was toast with peanut butter and a banana. Not bad! I had a very small cup of coffee with lots of milk, and a tea.
For lunch I did pretty well. I made a spinach salad with canned salmon, yogurt + strawberries, and veggies with hummus. We went to Tim's for a break mid-afternoon and I got a cookie and some tea.
Dinner was a huge fail. Garlic bread, pizza and caramel coconut blondie frozen yogurt. I'm definitely slacking on the morning pushups/situps/plant routine, and I feel really bad. I can feel it too. We were stuck at work until close to 8pm so we skipped the gym. We have plans to go mid-day tomorrow, when I'll crank it on the bike to burn off all this bread. I am definitely finding that it's more fun to indulge in yummy foods when there is someone else around to enjoy them with you. Rob and I both love food in general, so it's much much more difficult to be good around him. Plus the routine hasn't settled yet and I still feel like I'm on vacation or something, so the natural urge to indulge is exaggerated.
I feel better than yesterday. The only thing really nagging at me now is that I feel guilty about having such a bad day. I've found that the solution to feeling guilty and stressed about what you're eating is to ease up on it all, but inevitably that means easing up on the regimen and the results that come with are a little unsettling. Right now I look about 4 months pregnant. My belly bloats really easily, so if I have any kind of carbs I look like I'm expecting. That sucks. This week is, as my girlfriends and I have whimsically called it, "shark week" so I know I'll be craving goodies but will also have to make sure my body is well-stocked with nutrients.
Breakfast was toast with peanut butter and a banana. Not bad! I had a very small cup of coffee with lots of milk, and a tea.
For lunch I did pretty well. I made a spinach salad with canned salmon, yogurt + strawberries, and veggies with hummus. We went to Tim's for a break mid-afternoon and I got a cookie and some tea.
Dinner was a huge fail. Garlic bread, pizza and caramel coconut blondie frozen yogurt. I'm definitely slacking on the morning pushups/situps/plant routine, and I feel really bad. I can feel it too. We were stuck at work until close to 8pm so we skipped the gym. We have plans to go mid-day tomorrow, when I'll crank it on the bike to burn off all this bread. I am definitely finding that it's more fun to indulge in yummy foods when there is someone else around to enjoy them with you. Rob and I both love food in general, so it's much much more difficult to be good around him. Plus the routine hasn't settled yet and I still feel like I'm on vacation or something, so the natural urge to indulge is exaggerated.
I feel better than yesterday. The only thing really nagging at me now is that I feel guilty about having such a bad day. I've found that the solution to feeling guilty and stressed about what you're eating is to ease up on it all, but inevitably that means easing up on the regimen and the results that come with are a little unsettling. Right now I look about 4 months pregnant. My belly bloats really easily, so if I have any kind of carbs I look like I'm expecting. That sucks. This week is, as my girlfriends and I have whimsically called it, "shark week" so I know I'll be craving goodies but will also have to make sure my body is well-stocked with nutrients.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
57 days to go...
Today was tough. We got up fairly late (11:30am) and so I made my toast/avocado/salsa/egg concoction for the bf and he loved it. He also had half a package of Quaker Blueberry Muffin mix that he likes and asked me to make for him. I obliged, and ate a few muffins (oops.)
That took us until mid-afternoon when I had a blood orange (yummy) for snack before we went downtown for our workout. We did 20 minutes cardio + arms + abs. Dinner was chicken and spinach enchiladas. I made the sauce way too spicy to there's my accidental/unfortunate method of eating less! Dessert was cookies again.
It's tough to write a blog about food and workouts when you have body image issues (ie. are a normal woman). Even writing this out now is emotional. Every woman knows this. The whole reason for doing a bootcamp is so I can look good in a bathing suit. The definition of "good" is what troubles me. It goes without saying that we are surrounded by women that we feel, after years of being punched in the face with notions of beauty in music, movies and elsewhere, are better than us. Most of the time I can yank myself out of thinking I should look like that by remembering that most celebrities have trainers and nutritionists on call 24/7, have the money to buy clothes that are always flattering, pay a hefty sum for a round-the-clock makeup and hair team, and if all of that fails, are in the hands of Photoshop pros. Us normal women don't have all of that. We have amateur versions of these things: a friend or inner voice telling us to work out more and eat less, we buy the clothes we hope we can squeeze into and pull off, we might pay a little for our hair and makeup and obsess over it all, and we edit the crap out of our Facebook accounts to mask any hint of unflattering photos of us anywhere. What's worse is that we know these women look amazing and somehow we forget about the orchestration it takes to put it all together. Sometimes others forget too, and compliments towards those women can deeply wound even the most confident woman.
For the first time today, I felt really silly about this bootcamp, so much so that I felt like sobbing into a giant plate of poutine. The pressure women face to look good is enormous. I weighed myself before the gym (138lbs). It's amazing what numbers can do to you. I automatically felt strong, fit, toned and pretty. I was walking into my workout feeling like a rock star! Look how amazing I look, how much tighter my muscles look, and how nice my skin is, PLUS I lost 5 lbs? YES!! But, later in our workout my boyfriend did something pretty natural which was to comment on what a babe a tall blonde celebrity was. He's entitled to this and thinking other women are beautiful doesn't really bother me because deep down I realize that this is absolutely not a threat to me in any way. But for some reason, today, I turned this benign comment into an avalanche. Here I am, struggling with what I eat, and busting my ass at the gym to feel good about myself, and I still oddly feel like I have to compare myself to other people that my boyfriend finds attractive. Suddenly I didn't feel so hot and so strong, I felt stupid and cheap. I felt like I was 16 again, trying desperately to look like the pretty popular blonde girl so the cute boy would like me too. My boyfriend tells me every day how beautiful he thinks I am, and he already loves me the way I am. I know he'll love me in the Maldives too. So why am I doing this? Am I trying to please myself? Him? I can't magically grow taller to become the tall woman my man thinks is a babe, and I'll never have tight skin and look airbrushed and polished all the time. Instead I'll be imperfect, I'll eat fried chicken sometimes and I'll always be 5'5". Yet a simple harmless comment absolutely obliterated my self esteem. It all suddenly felt really stupid to be trying to firm, tighten and shed.
And yet before going to bed, I have packed my spinach salad, yogurt with strawberries, and veggies with hummus for lunch. I feel like a loser, even though I know I'm being reasonable and healthy. I've upset my boyfriend and worried him since I've been incapable of saying anything real in the last 8 hours for fear of bursting into tears. All over a stupid comment that means nothing and that he is totally entitled to. I think normal women need a head adjustment to silence the screaming inner voice that destroys us over something so meaningless. We all know her, that voice telling us that we better shape up and look like that tall model otherwise our men won't find us pretty anymore. That voice is a bitch. The book I'm reading (May I Be Happy by Cyndi Lee) is discussing just that: tapping into your feminine power and owning what you look like and your body. Time to go read more of it and absorb, absorb, absorb. This is a not a problem with what our men say, it's a problem with ourselves and fixing it comes from within.
That took us until mid-afternoon when I had a blood orange (yummy) for snack before we went downtown for our workout. We did 20 minutes cardio + arms + abs. Dinner was chicken and spinach enchiladas. I made the sauce way too spicy to there's my accidental/unfortunate method of eating less! Dessert was cookies again.
It's tough to write a blog about food and workouts when you have body image issues (ie. are a normal woman). Even writing this out now is emotional. Every woman knows this. The whole reason for doing a bootcamp is so I can look good in a bathing suit. The definition of "good" is what troubles me. It goes without saying that we are surrounded by women that we feel, after years of being punched in the face with notions of beauty in music, movies and elsewhere, are better than us. Most of the time I can yank myself out of thinking I should look like that by remembering that most celebrities have trainers and nutritionists on call 24/7, have the money to buy clothes that are always flattering, pay a hefty sum for a round-the-clock makeup and hair team, and if all of that fails, are in the hands of Photoshop pros. Us normal women don't have all of that. We have amateur versions of these things: a friend or inner voice telling us to work out more and eat less, we buy the clothes we hope we can squeeze into and pull off, we might pay a little for our hair and makeup and obsess over it all, and we edit the crap out of our Facebook accounts to mask any hint of unflattering photos of us anywhere. What's worse is that we know these women look amazing and somehow we forget about the orchestration it takes to put it all together. Sometimes others forget too, and compliments towards those women can deeply wound even the most confident woman.
For the first time today, I felt really silly about this bootcamp, so much so that I felt like sobbing into a giant plate of poutine. The pressure women face to look good is enormous. I weighed myself before the gym (138lbs). It's amazing what numbers can do to you. I automatically felt strong, fit, toned and pretty. I was walking into my workout feeling like a rock star! Look how amazing I look, how much tighter my muscles look, and how nice my skin is, PLUS I lost 5 lbs? YES!! But, later in our workout my boyfriend did something pretty natural which was to comment on what a babe a tall blonde celebrity was. He's entitled to this and thinking other women are beautiful doesn't really bother me because deep down I realize that this is absolutely not a threat to me in any way. But for some reason, today, I turned this benign comment into an avalanche. Here I am, struggling with what I eat, and busting my ass at the gym to feel good about myself, and I still oddly feel like I have to compare myself to other people that my boyfriend finds attractive. Suddenly I didn't feel so hot and so strong, I felt stupid and cheap. I felt like I was 16 again, trying desperately to look like the pretty popular blonde girl so the cute boy would like me too. My boyfriend tells me every day how beautiful he thinks I am, and he already loves me the way I am. I know he'll love me in the Maldives too. So why am I doing this? Am I trying to please myself? Him? I can't magically grow taller to become the tall woman my man thinks is a babe, and I'll never have tight skin and look airbrushed and polished all the time. Instead I'll be imperfect, I'll eat fried chicken sometimes and I'll always be 5'5". Yet a simple harmless comment absolutely obliterated my self esteem. It all suddenly felt really stupid to be trying to firm, tighten and shed.
And yet before going to bed, I have packed my spinach salad, yogurt with strawberries, and veggies with hummus for lunch. I feel like a loser, even though I know I'm being reasonable and healthy. I've upset my boyfriend and worried him since I've been incapable of saying anything real in the last 8 hours for fear of bursting into tears. All over a stupid comment that means nothing and that he is totally entitled to. I think normal women need a head adjustment to silence the screaming inner voice that destroys us over something so meaningless. We all know her, that voice telling us that we better shape up and look like that tall model otherwise our men won't find us pretty anymore. That voice is a bitch. The book I'm reading (May I Be Happy by Cyndi Lee) is discussing just that: tapping into your feminine power and owning what you look like and your body. Time to go read more of it and absorb, absorb, absorb. This is a not a problem with what our men say, it's a problem with ourselves and fixing it comes from within.
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