22 days to go...

Time for a real post today.

I feel really horrible. The last many, many posts have been me pretty much recapping how horrible my food choices have been. At least that's how it feels. I have been staying healthy enough given how I know I could let myself go, but the fact that I haven't noticeably lost any weight or sculpted or that I don't feel I look any different has really been bugging me lately. The whole point of this was to buckle down and really LOOK completely different for my trip, yet I don't feel that I've done that at all. I certainly feel different, as evidenced by stronger legs, slightly toned abs (although I can tell, most cameras probably won't), and maybe less arm flab. But I certainly haven't felt bikini ready or extra confident.

There are two voices fighting in my head right now:
1. The mean voice. Here's how she sounds: "No wonder you don't feel any different - you haven't followed your rules and you have been slacking on the gym! What a failure, you haven't stuck to what you said, no wonder you won't look any different! If your really want to buckle down you'll get serious and cut out everything fatty, salty, and sweet."
2. The compassionate voice. Here's how she sounds: "You've been doing alright. Ok not great, but alright. You can't sustain a diet like this long term, and two months is a long time especially with your boyfriend visiting, you being out of town so much, events with school, etc. It's ok to cheat sometimes, and you're a healthy person! You'll have to find a balance and you're on your way to learning what that is."

Sigh. Is it just me, or does following the compassionate voice sometimes feel like you're making excuses for yourself. Someone once told me that even though you have anxiety over issues, the first step to feeling better is to stop berating yourself about feeling bad about it in the first place. Easier said than done. I think most women really have a hard time with this step - we, for whatever reason, have been forced for a long time to believe that we have to work harder, try harder, look better, always "___ER". We aren't even good enough. This bothers me. My compassionate yogi side is just screaming for me to stop this self-destructive thought pattern, but doing this is like using a machete to hack myself a new path through thick thorn bushes when there is a well-maintained, well-used paved path winding beautifully through the thorns only a few meters away. It's all about thought patterns and how easily stuck we are in one over another. The instant we try to feel compassion for ourselves, we remember the well-worn road of berating ourselves over even trying to forage a new path for ourselves. It's a tough world out there! Definitely tough to be gentle and forgiving with yourself, especially when there are so many women who "tough it out" and "power through it" and are somehow able to stick to crazy diets.

Aaanyways, rant aside, here is the summary of my day (warning: another bad one!):

Breakfast/lunch: Rob and I are both sick, so we started with lemon ginger honey green tea. Then we went out for brunch with some girlfriends visiting for the weekend and had eggs southwestern, aka. eggs benedict but with smoked salmon. Served with home fries.
In the afternoon we finished off some of the candy from bulk barn that my friend and I got yesterday. Awful. No gym.
Dinner was a frozen pizza again (the one we got yesterday came in packs of 2). Dessert was some greek yogurt with fruit, and more tea (the redeeming factor of the day).